Silence
by DemonKittyAngel
Summary: It's to loud and it won't leave... can't you notice that there's something wrong?... I love you Marik... Malik writes a suicide note. See what's troubling him.


Umm…. Yeah… this is dedicated to Sozuki because she inspired it! :P Or he… I didn't really bother to check. ;P I don't own but Ash won't listen and keep setting Pikachu on me saying he's going to catch the rare yugioh pokemon I own. (I don't even like Pokemon so I have no idea where that came from!)

No. They don't listen. They don't hear it. They don't even know what it would sound like. That horrible beating sound that comes with it. That silence. That pain. They could never understand. So I have a weird fear. I'm a strange person. But they've never heard it. They've never felt it. They don't know what I'm always fighting off in my mind.

Maybe someday they'll understand. Bah. Who am I kidding? They would never understand. How could they? It's not their place to. It never is. Hell, is it even my place? No one is supposed to understand it and that's why they call it an 'irrational fear'. Maybe it is and I'm just lying to myself but it feels so real.

I wanna cry, I wanna cry

Please let me cry, (please) let me cry

I've been waiting

For oh too long

To have someone by my side

I wanna cry, (please) let me cry

That fear. That pain. That sound. The cries in my head keep getting louder. Can't you hear the screams for help? Can't you hear the cries to save me? To rescue me? To do something! No. No one hears them. I don't expect them to. They don't understand. And what hurts most is that I understand that.

Do you know the pain of dying? Well, no one really does so that's a bad question. Do you know what it's like to have your heart squeezed by a hand covered in needles? Squeezed so tight you can't breathe? And then think, don't let go.

I don't think you notice

When I call your name

So that's why I stopped trying;

To shield myself from pain

I thought you would realize

That I wasn't OK

But I guess you're another

To play that game

You people just never get it. I'm lonely. Do you even listen when I talk? Are you only happy if I play the fool? I'll be a good fool then. I'll make you smile. I'll make you happy. I'll be everything you want so don't worry about me. You're my friends and I haven't had any in, well, ever really. Isis and Rishid don't count as 'friends'.

Do I cry? Why yes, I cry a lot. I cry often. Well, I used to. I don't remember how anymore. And still there's this sound. It won't stop! It never stops! And yet it's never there. And it hurts. It hurts with every beat. It grips tighter, and tighter, and tighter until it's all you can do not to break apart from all the pressure. Pushing from the inside and the outside. Not sure where it even is or if it even is.

I wanna cry, I wanna cry

Just say good-bye, (just) say good-bye

I've been waiting

For oh to long

To have someone by my side

I wanna cry, (just) say good-bye

I'm not crazy. It feels that way and I act that way but I'm not. I swear it! I just don't like to think. I don't like to be there. I can't stand being at home. Or at school. And everywhere else I go the sound is still there. Even when I'm talking with friends.

Friends? Can I call them friends? Would they listen if I talked? Would they take me seriously? No. No they wouldn't. I've put up this act far too long and lost myself. If I try to voice a real thought my throat closes down and I can't breathe. So I'll smile. And laugh. And act outlandish. You'll hang out with me if I do right? Don't leave! I thought the sound was gone for a moment! Don't drive it back. Please. I don't want it back. It hurts so much.

Do you think you could hear me?

When I cried in the rain?

You weren't there when I needed you

So silence is my refrain

I don't remember how to cry

It makes me feel all dead inside

And soon enough I fear

Nothing is all I'll hear

It grips at my heart when my yami talks to me. Is it all superficial? Will it all go away? Will _he_ leave me? Or is it that I'm scared of him? He's beat me before. He's killed people. He's tried being nice to me but then I lost my temper. I'm not cut out for this. Why was I given this life? Was I meant to be strong enough to handle it? Hearts weren't made to be this strong or carry this much.

Why can't I just be weak? Why can't I let it take me away? But no. I can't. People will miss me. People love me and care about me. They don't want me to go. But I want to go. I want to give up. Hell, I gave up a long time ago but you won't let me so I plaster on my fake smile and go out for the day calling "I'll be back later!" to Isis in the kitchen. "Come back safe!" she calls back. See? I have a sister who cares. She just doesn't see. Doesn't know. Doesn't _hear_.

I wanna cry, I wanna cry

Don't wanna try, (don't) wanna try

I've been waiting

For oh too long

To have someone by my side

I wanna cry, (don't) wanna try

Oh no, my letter's getting so long but I can't stop. I have so much more to say. The sound has left me for a little and it feels better but wait, it's back. It's always back. Just a scribble here and there. That's all there is. That's all…

Scary huh? Everyone is scared of it but no one notices. No one… But hey, that's the point of it right? That you can't _hear_ it? You can't feel it, can't taste it, can't see it but it's there. I know it is. It's all in my head perhaps but it's just as real as you or me.

You think you're the only one who knows

How terrifying it is

When your friends leave you alone

The one time you need them

When they make you leave

You're words all turn to silence

When you try to ask 'please'

People tell me to listen to them and understand what they're saying. I already understand it. That's why it hurts! Are you all idiots? I know that killing myself is bad. I know not to do drugs. I know not to have sex. I know drinking is bad. I don't do _any _of those things. I never have and don't plan to. Well, except for the first one. It's a bad thing. I know that. I'm sorry about it too! But I can't go on! I can't live with the noise! It hurts me every second. It hurts too much.

So I guess this is the end huh? Sad isn't it? I asked you who you thought was most likely to lose it of the group and you all said Joey except for him who said me. When I asked why people picked Joey they said it was because I had already lost it. That hurt me. It was just an act! I hadn't really lost it! Well, not at that point at least. Now? I guess I have. I know the ranges of acceptable human behavior and this isn't included. Not at all.

I wanna cry, I wanna cry

Help my survive, (help) me survive

I've been waiting

For oh too long

To have someone by my side

I wanna cry, (help) me survive

When Marik discovered that he could link your minds using the rod did you know that that night I took the rod and yelled a thought out to all of you? I yelled it so loudly in my head that it hurt. It gave me a headache even if it did get rid of the sound for a moment. But you know what I yelled and why it hurt so much that I got no answer? I yelled, 'If I died, would anyone care? If I died, would anyone care!' I yelled it over and over again but no one answered so eventually I put the rod back in Marik's room and went to the bathroom and cried.

That was three weeks ago. I'm surprised I lasted that long with the sound pressing in more than ever. But not anymore. I can't last anymore. What will it be like if I survive? If someone finds me before I can pass away? I don't want that. I know just where to go that no one will look for me but I want to be found so I need to know where to go. The game shop? No, no one would notice me. Home? I'd be found to fast. School? To dramatic. That's the mask I use, not me. I want to die somewhere that screams me so I'm telling you where my body is so you can find me.

So do you think you can hear me?

When I call your name?

I didn't think I asked for much

Just for you not to leave

But when I called out

You turned your back

So now all that I ask

Is to be able to relax

I'm going to be at the western docks where I first arrived to Japan. I miss Egypt but don't want to go back. It hurts there to.

Oh, and just so you don't think I'm crazy, I'll tell you what that sound is. That sound that presses in on you even when it's so loud you can't hear yourself think is silence. There will always be silence and it never shuts up. So maybe it will finally be quiet. Maybe if I live you people will notice that I'm not ok. That I need some help. I tried to tell you but couldn't get the words out. And when I told Marik he simply said, 'You created a being of pure hatred and you're just thinking that you're not ok now?' and laughed at me. Isis said she'd get me help but just brushed it off and ignored me. I went back to acting normal as well. If they were going to ignore it why shouldn't I?

Well, it didn't work obviously. I'm a great actor huh? You didn't even notice even though I was letting things slip on purpose but you just said something was different and didn't notice the sadness in my eyes. You never did. It was always there but you don't look. You just see my fake smile. I haven't perfected it yet. I know that because Rishid notices and sometimes comments on it. It makes me mad that he's the only one who notices so I yell at him and he doesn't comment again for a long time.

I wanna cry, I wanna cry

Might wanna die, (I) wanna die

I've been waiting

For oh too long

To have someone by my side

I wanna cry, (please) let me die…

Why couldn't Marik notice? You know, I don't try to hide anything from you Marik. I love you actually. But you don't feel the same. You just laugh at me and go on. I love you. And you haven't left me and that's enough but I still cry. I cry that when I told you you laughed at me and just walked away. I cried that you never took me seriously. I laughed that I'd been so naïve to think that you might possibly love me back. But I guess it's true. Pretend to be someone long enough and you'll really become that person. I don't like this person though so I'm going to leave.

Say good-bye to the happy Malik, because even if I live, I don't want to live a lie.

Truthfully,

Ishtar Malik

Yeah… it's short… it's depressing… and I think I should add a song but can't find a good one. I'll look through songs I've written to find if one fits but yeah… more or less this is weird. And I don't usually write Malik either. Do you want another chap to see how Marik and the others take this? And if Malik survives? Dun dun dun!

Ok, this fic is short. It's only over 2,000 words with the song added in. '^.^ I feel bad now.

I messed with the song a bit so that the lines would fit more and I know that putting some lines in other places make more sense but I think it's ok since I originally wrote it pertaining to another situation entirely. Namely, after he's lived through the attempt and people still don't acknowledge that there's something wrong. '^.^ So yeah, some major sweatdrops on my part but here you go.


End file.
